This blog was updated in June 2022.
Ever found yourself with a loose end this weekend with nothing to do? The batteries have gone in the TV remote, you’ve exhausted your social media time on your laptop, and the dog’s left you a steaming gift in your slippers.
Have you ever just wanted to leave your frustrating life behind for something far simpler? Perhaps you’ve wondered what it might be like to join a cult? Well, with the world as it is, there’s never been a better time to join one.
You’ll get to live in a big house in the country where you can go about your daily rituals without the authorities sticking their noses in or those damn normies getting in the way!
So, to get you on your way to achieving cult status, we’ve researched cults in the UK and from around the world that you may be interested in.
Some stones that look like they’d belong to a cult.
Happy Science
First, off the bat with regards to funny cults, we’ve one from the far-off land of Japan. Happy Science is a cult combining far-right nationalism, New Age hokum, and various aspects of world religions.
It’s run by a lovely bloke called Ryuho Okawa, who believes he is the human incarnation of a supreme being called El Cantare. His powers relate to combining lots of religions together in order to create a nine-dimensional heaven! Sounds pretty sweet if you ask us.
As far as cult bonuses go, you’re tax-exempt as a member of Happy Science, but if free love is your thing, we’re afraid you will have to give that up.
The Brethren
Next up if you’re wondering ‘are there are cults near me’ then there’s always The Brethren, just a quick flight away to picturesque Germany.
An apocalyptic offshoot of the 70s Jesus Movement, Brethren members essentially live as vagrants, often living off leftovers and food found in rubbish bins, so there’s no chance of them settling in for a Netflix sesh on a 4K TV.
In fact, you’re not even allowed to laugh as a Brethren member, nor take a bath at any time, but at least your diet style means there’s no need to wash up after a meal.
The Twelve Tribes
Operating out of Tennessee but present on the international cult stage, the Twelve Tribes are one of those funny cults that started out as a prayer group for teenagers who broke away from their church.
Now world-renown, this cult embraces hippie culture and seeks to establish 12 Israeli tribes around the world. They currently have around 3,000 members – so why not make it 3,001?
As a bonus, there’s no weird cult dress code, but you may accidentally be involved with exploiting children for slave labour…
Eckankar
A non-profit religion based in Minneapolis, USA, if you’re unsettled by all the ‘weird cults near me’, this one might totally be for you.
With a heavy focus on meditation and Eastern philosophy, members claim to speak to each other in their own, unique language. You even get to choose a name for yourself, though you do have to learn a whole new language.
Cults are always big on candles.
Apostles of Infinite Love
How do you feel about Quebec? Not only are they the home of poutine, but they also play host to the Apostles of Infinite Love, a group founded way back in the 1960s with a focus on intimate loving.
Originally run by excommunicated French priest Michel Collin, if you’re high enough in the club, you do get to pick your own bedfellow. However, they have been accused of various illegal activities in the past, and you may have to kidnap people.
The House of Yahweh
Run by Bill Hawkins, who changed his name to ‘Yisrayl’ for a much more culty vibe, the House of Yahweh’s main message was that nuclear war and destruction would wipe out the planet by 2001 and that it would stop raining for a thousand days.
None of these things have happened, yet, so Bill changed the goalposts and moved the date back another 30 years, giving you plenty of time to prepare.
If you’re a guy in this cult, you can have more than one wife, unfortunately, this will mean you have more than one wife and they may very well gang up on you.
The Church of Bible Understanding
Back to bible cults we go with this New York-based evangelical commune that once had over 1000 members. Stewart Traill started the group after being thrown out of his own church and now the cult has started several businesses, including carpet cleaning.
The best part is you get your own van, but the leaders of the cult do get first dibs on all the money you earn, for the benefit of the commune as a whole of course.
The Church Universal and Triumph
Founded in Santa Monica in 1975, this cult was an offshoot of a different movement known as Summit Lighthouse. Founder, Elizabeth Claire Prophet, and her husband run the cult and they promote themselves as a couple of ‘ancient beings’ who’ve come back to get the earth ready for Doomsday.
If you want to join a cult, this could be the one for you, especially if you want your own assault rifle. That being said, you also have to build your own nuclear shelter while giving the cult all your money. A small price to pay for salvation though, right?
How to start a cult
If none of these above cults take your fancy, then maybe you’d like to start your own cult? When it comes to learning how to start a cult, there are a few things every burgeoning would-be cult leader needs.
First, charisma. You need that inescapable aura that just draws people into you. Without it, how else will amass a loyal cadre of followers for your benevolent needs and get them to give you all their stuff?
Next, you need an obsession. Something that will really grab those around you and make them want to follow you to the ends of the earth with their devotion. It could anything from cheese to Leonardo Di Caprio’s early film career, you just need the above charisma to pull it off.
And lastly, you’re going to need some money to get your cult started. Take out a few loans, get some credit cards going, and you’ll be on your way to buying your very own commune compound to ‘house’ your loyal followers in.
Joining the Church of Ebuyer Value
Finally, by far the best of the active cults in the UK, we have the incredible Church of Ebuyer Value. Not only are they one of the most respected cults in the UK, but you get incredible deals with none of the negatives.
Based entirely around the UK’s top online tech retailer, they continually offer superb value on its stock like desktop PCs, gaming PCs, computer components, and much more!
Membership is high and membership satisfaction is even higher! You get amazing tech at incredible prices from Ebuyer and all they ask for in return is your undying loyalty when it comes to their inevitable world domination.
All you need to do to sign up is buy something from Ebuyer or visit the Ebuyer blog now!
